courage

I had a really hard physio today.  It is always hard, but today we pushed past the level of pain where I can (somewhat) control myself and moved into the level of pain where I just couldn't breathe.  The level of pain where I almost threw up.  I don't even think that I can put it into words... the ones I just wrote are far too small for what I went through today. Those words put that pain into some kind of a box that people can relate to and understand and I really, really hope that they can't because no one should ever have to go through that.

 I think that this part of things is harder than the actual getting hit by the car part because I had no control over that; with this it is a choice that I have to make everyday, that I am going to go in there and put myself through that pain. Over and over again.  Even when I can't I do it anyway because it is the only way I will ever get my knee back again.

Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am, and how tough I am, but I do not feel brave or tough. I feel like a small, frightened little girl and I just keep going because it is the only way.

So tomorrow morning I will get up and I will do it again.  Not because I am brave or tough or whatever, but because I have to.